E-Club ProThe Comedy Zone
Stupido
"Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to tonight's edition of "The World's Most Hyped Event" with me, your host, Ivor Sadlife. This week we are featuring the would-be attention seeker extraordinaire, Rabid Pain, who will be attempting a stunt which is unprecedented in all the annals of totally-ridiculous-things-to-do-spread-over-a-long-period-of-time.
Before a disbelieving audience consisting of Rabid's wife, Mona, his dog Do-Do and a Goldfish named Herbert, our master showoff will attempt to stand for 45 seconds, unsupported and unaided, on a bathroom chair precariously balanced on a solid floor 18" below. We should at this point stress that Rabid has been preparing and training for this life threatening stunt for at least the last half hour, and so nobody else should dare to imitate any aspect of what you are about to see.
Rabid, of course, is no stranger to this type of monster publicity seeking idea. Who can forget his brush with death last year when his tongue became stuck to a cube of ice in his refrigerator ice tray while attempting to lick off a blob of Cointreau which had accidentally spilled on it, or then again the unbelievable sight of Rabid being buried alive when he accidentally fell into the hole he was digging in his back yard while trying to put together a DIY cesspit kit. Yes, this man seems to court danger wherever he goes, and not just because of his appalling dress sense.
So what is it that makes a man like Rabid tick? Does he, as some have suggested, have a death wish, and if so how soon can we all look forward to him fulfilling it? We caught up with Rabid earlier today and this is what he had to say by way of explanation.
"Well, the idea for this crushingly boring yet highly paid stunt came while I was trying to evict a spider from the curtain pelmet in our outside toilet. As I grabbed a chair from the bathroom and scooped up the long handled shears with which I hoped to deal with the menacing creature, I realised that the attempt to balance on the bathroom chair was probably something which millions of people would be only too pleased to watch for an hour while being systematically bombarded with mindless adverts for mobile phones and hair shampoo. It was then that the idea suddenly took shape and I thought to myself, yes, I WILL do this. I don't have a death wish myself, I have an entourage of hangers on to have that for me, but I do believe that every man should strive to challenge himself in any way that he can, and this is my way of climbing Everest - but without the crampons."
So, tonight, Rabid will shortly be attempting this awe inspiring yet somehow totally pointless exercise, but there is one more element to this which descends it even further from the depths of where it now resides. Having stood for a full 45 seconds on the chair, Rabid will, as a fitting and spectacular climax, leap from the chair and plummet like a stone the full 18" to the ground. To break his fall Rabid has arranged for a team of card magic specialists to be present, and even as I speak to you they are constructing a square of Bicycle Card boxes at the foot of the chair. These boxes are strapped together with elastic bands, but otherwise they contain no extra padding, although the experts themselves will probably provide a lot of hot air. Nobody really knows whether this single layer of boxes will be sufficient to break Rabid's fall, but then nobody really seems to care.
And now we come to the moment we have all been waiting for - we're all being given a cup of caffeine saturated coffee to keep us awake during this blindingly stupid piece of folly. But here comes Rabid! Mona, Do-Do and Herbert break into a spontaneous yawn as he approaches wearing nothing more than a grey sackcloth and a pleasingly apathetic smile. Rabid is given a quick affectionate lick, Do-Do says goodbye as well, and the goldfish has already forgotten why he's there as Rabid climbs up onto the chair.
Mona inverts the digital egg timer to mark the exact duration of Rabid's terrible ordeal and we all wait to see whether his nerve will break. The seconds seem like decades, only longer, as we wait for the excruciating moments to elapse. 43, 44, 45 - it's over. Rabid has jumped! As he hurtles the 18" towards the card boxes his entire life flashes before his eyes - 6 times - and then he's gone, buried in the soft yielding texture of the American Playing Card Company containers.
Quickly the specialists snatch away the boxes. But where is Rabid? All the boxes have been removed and he is nowhere to be seen! Herbert looks perplexed as only a goldfish can, Mona looks for her sister Lisa and Do-Do looks for his bone, but none of this is any help to us in finding the world's greatest showman, Rabid Pain. Will he be found in the zippered compartment of somebody's wallet, will a startled lady from 65 The Terrace be asked to shake out the keys from her keycase only to discover Rabid hanging on the central clasp in between her two keys, or will Rabid be discovered sitting on a plinth in the window of a mysteriously closed jeweller's shop at the other end of the road? Join us again next year and all will be revealed as we present 'Found In 60 Minutes - Stupido, The Unnecessary Sequel'. Thank you and goodnight."
