E-Club ProThe Comedy Zone
The Ultimate Guide To.....Approaching A Restaurant Table
Much has been written about the very difficult art of approaching a restaurant table, and so I have decided to reveal my own exclusive and until now highly secret technique for achieving the ultimate impact and surprise at a restaurant table. Please practise the following guidelines carefully before putting them into effect.
Surprise is the key secret to an effective opening at any table, and it is essential to prepare thoroughly in order to deliver that element of surprise. I recommend driving to the venue in an unmarked car. Do not be tempted to plaster your vehicle with advertising saying 'Whizzo the world's greatest exponent of magic at the side of a restaurant table' as this will blow your cover right from the start as any guest glancing out of the restaurant window will spot you immediately.
Ideally you should approach the venue after dark. This is tricky if you are booked at 1p.m. on a Sunday afternoon, but in those cases I would suggest only accepting bookings on days when a total eclipse of the sun is scheduled. If this means you would be performing more often than you wanted, see if you can get a children's entertainer to sub for you.
On entering the car park of the restaurant, immediately kill your lights and switch off the engine so that you coast into a parking space. It's wise to make sure that the parking space you choose is an empty one or the sound of impacting metal may draw unwanted attention to you.
Try to slip unnoticed into the venue. One way to do this is to wait until a group of guests arrive and tag along with them. As soon as you are inside the building quietly move away from the group and slide unnoticed into the cloakroom.
Dress is an important weapon in your armoury. The more like one of the waiters you look from your appearance, the more likely you are to be able to sneak up to a table unnoticed. You will know if you have succeeded if guests keep stopping you and asking you the way to the toilets or if diners insist on trying to place wine orders with you.
With your DJ and bow tie in place move out of the cloakroom and head for the restaurant itself. Obviously it helps if you know where you are going. It does not look very professional if you throw open a door and boldly stride into the laundry room or the cleaner's broom cupboard. This is where the true professional's attention to detail sets him apart from the rank amateur. If the dining area is not obvious you may wish to prepare in advance by taking your wife (or someone else's wife, if you prefer) out for a meal in the restaurant a week or so before the booking is due to take place. Guests are allowed to wander around like headless chickens looking for the correct room and to constantly ask directions, and so this will enable you to 'case the joint' before the big day of the booking arrives. A simple disguise such a false beard or plastic nose with black glasses attached should ensure that you do not draw unwanted attention to yourself.
Assuming that you have made it to the dining area without being spotted, slip into the room and melt into the decor. I would not recommend actually hiding behind the drapes and peeping round, nor would I suggest sneaking round the outside of the building and climbing in the window, but certainly you need to appear simply as another one of the staff. To perfect your disguise and to appear as a bona fide waiter, simply smear a small amount of the soup of the day down your jacket front and ignore all tables which try to attract your attention.
Your next job is to spot which table will be the one for your initial approach. Remember, surprise is your ultimate goal, so look for a table where people are engrossed in their meal or in conversation, or are having a heated argument and are fighting. Start to move towards your chosen group. lf you think they might spot you, grab a fork off another table as you pass and throw it on the floor. In apparently trying to pick it up, you will have the ideal opportunity to crawl the major part of the distance across the room without being spotted. Another tactic, if this proves impractical, is to hide behind the largest waitress as she moves around the room, using any pillars which may be scattered around as extra cover.
Finally, if all has gone to plan, you will now be within spitting range of the chosen table (although I don't actually recommend spitting as a means of judging the distance). Slowly, so as not to attract the attention of any of your target table's occupants, reach out an arm and pluck a roll from of a passing waitress's bread basket. Make sure it is a bread basket she is carrying and not the soup tureen, or it could get a bit messy.
Take a deep breath and lob the roll into the middle of the table. If you can knock over an open bottle of red wine, contriving at the same time to splash the roll into a dinner plate thus shooting brown sticky gravy down the front of a lady's white dress, so much the better. Experienced table hoppers have also learned how to simultaneously knock down the candle on the table thus setting fire to the table cloth, but this is an advanced technique which only the most skilful should attempt.
Under cover of the resulting mayhem caused by the arrival of your dough projectile, leap out from behind your passing waitress or pillar (but not from a passing pillar as that means the roof is about to cave in and you ought to evacuate the building), and shout, "Ah ha, caught yer! Wanna see a trick, you sods!"
I guarantee that if you follow all the above you will get quite a reaction. So, there you are, the definitive method for approaching a table is now revealed. Guard its secret well. It has served me for many years, and I have yet to do a repeat booking, which I guess speaks for itself.
