E-Club ProThe Comedy Zone
The Christmas Show
He glanced down at the hand scribbled map again which he was precariously holding against the centre of the steering wheel and tried to make out the name of the road which had been etched there presumably by a spider as it had crawled across the map since no human could possibly think that it was sensible to write such an important road name so incredibly small. What did it say? Beggar Road? Butter Road? B*gg*r it road?
He knew that it was next to the church so giving up on the map he peered out through the rain soaked windscreen and tried to spot a large building with a spire or a tower on top. Ah, there was something on the right. Lights on, doors open, small children being hurried in to try and escape the rain - must be it. Ignoring the loud honk and unpleasant digital gesture from the 'seasonally challenged' bus driver who he cut across to get to the required building, Eustace pulled up on the double yellow lines outside the hall. He really did wish he'd brought his raincoat, but it had been sunny when he'd left home, so how was he to know that it might rain on a December afternoon?
Turning up the collar of his jacket, he flung the car door open, narrowly missing a startled 4 year old girl and her grandmother who happened to be passing at that moment, and leapt out, straight into a huge puddle. Ignoring the feeling of cold water seeping through his socks Eustace squelched noisily up the path and in through the portal of light which was beckoning him invitingly. Once inside, he tried to brush off the large blobs of rainwater which festooned his jacket and which had left dark stains on his trousers, but eventually gave up the unequal struggle and instead marched towards the double swing doors ahead of him.
Pushing them open he was immediately met by a blast of noise, colour and confusion. Little children were running round and round on the wooden varnished floor creating a deafening sound over which clusters of adults were trying to carry on conversations. At the far end of the hall he spotted a traditional stage area off which a group of 5 or 6 boys were jumping, and to one side a number of wobbly tressle tables were being erected presumably for the tea, the food for which was piled up in the serving hatch of the little kitchen area in the corner.
Nobody came over to greet Eustace, in fact, nobody paid him any attention at all, so he tentatively started to enter the body of the room hoping that someone might realise that the white rabbits all over his tie meant he was the magician. Narrowly avoiding injury when two fighting boys nearly rolled into him, he reached the centre of the room and realised that he would need to approach someone himself. Spotting an old lady cowering at one side with a cup of tea held in her trembling hand, Eustace skirted round the mother who was trying to scrape her daughter off her leg so that she could abandon the child and escape the building, and approached the lady to see if he could find out where he should set up.
"Hello, I'm the magician."
"Sorry? What did you say."
"I said, I'm the magician."
"Oh, that's nice, are we having one?"
"Yes, and it's me."
"Oh, and who are you?"
"I'm the magician."
"Well done, dear. Would you like a cup of tea?"
"No, thank you, not really, I need to set up my show because I have to start in less than 10 minutes."
"Oh, well you'd better get set up then. What instrument do you play?"
"No, I'm not a musician, a magician....oh, never mind."
The lady went back to dunking her Rich Tea biscuit in her tea and Eustace decided to take matters into his own hands. Retreating back out into the rain (pity the wind had got up now), he opened the boot of the car and started to unload his 5 boxes and cases. Three trips was all it took to drag the whole lot into the hall and he decided to install himself in front of the stage. As soon as he started to unpack he became surrounded by interested children.
"What's in that box?"
"Can I help?"
"Bet you're not a real magician."
"I always have Uncle Tricky for my parties."
"Did you do Sally's party the other day?"
"I've seen you before. You were rubbish."
"I can't find my Mummy!"
"Will you do up my shoelace?"
"What does this wand do?"
"I feel sick."
After several minutes of trying to fight off inquisitive eyes and prying fingers, Eustace managed, mainly by shouting at the children and giving them a whole succession of filthy looks, to create a cordon around his work area in which he could finally complete his get ready. He noticed that some of the cards from his Who's Who At The Zoo had somehow got wet when he'd brought the boxes in, but hopefully the way the cards were starting to fray and split at the corners would not be noticed too much.
Apart from a number of adults who were staring at him from a distance, no one still seemed interested in coming to speak to him, so looking at his watch and noting that it was a few minutes past his start time, he decided to wade in and get going. After 3 or 4 minutes of shouting and wild arm waving he eventually managed to assemble a motley selection of about 15 of the 55 children present who sat in a wide straight line in front of him. The rest of the children seemed content to continue their deafening wooden floor stomping.
For the next 45 minutes he romped through all his favourite material, working sometimes to 15 children, sometimes to 6, sometimes to 3, just depending on who felt like staying and who would rather get up and go over to see what was being put out on the table for tea. Eventually, the ordeal was over and ignoring the sweat he could feel running down his back under his shirt, Eustace packed his stuff away. Now to find someone to pay him.
Wading through the sea of squabbling children who were now fighting over who should sit on the chair nearest the pile of chocolate fingers, Eustace saw a woman who was busily dispensing both advice and plates to a series of willing helpers. Ah, thought, Eustace, she looks like she's in charge. With renewed confidence, Eustace walked up to her.
"Hello, I was wondering if you knew who I should see to get my money?"
"Money for what, dear?"
"Well, for the magic show I've just done."
"Oh, is that what you were doing? Why did you do that?"
"What do you mean, why did I do it? Because you booked me to!"
"No, dear, sorry, we didn't book any magician. We just have Santa later on. That's as much as we can afford."
Eustace couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"This is St. Martin's Church Hall, isn't it?"
"No, that's down the other end of the road, this is St. Swithuns."
As Eustace dragged his boxes back out to the car he was cheered by the fact that at least the rain had stopped, although it hardly made up for the fact that he had a yellow clamp round his driver's side wheel and a fixed penalty notice stuck ostentatiously to his window. Oh, the joy of Christmas shows.
